the most wonderful time of the year
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For example she had a job planning the maintenance of local public spaces. Her planning would often clash with the financial department, who would come back to her with “unfortunately this doesn’t fit our budget”. We once spent a whole hour on the subject.
When she finally accepted that the financial department was not out to sabotage her, and that my plans – and other people’s plans – often die when we look at our ‘financial department’ (=our bank account), she relaxed and looked almost happy.
She had new tools to improve the collaboration between her and the financial people, and she felt empowered.
Five minutes later when talking about whether or not she was happy in her life she said: “I would be if those bastards from the financial department would all blow up in a terrorist attack today”.
Noice!!
Al was also a drummer in a band, and we once spent a whole reading going through the fall outs and irritations that occurred during a tour up north with the band.
To me these situations would have been great opportunities to show her that – according to me – underneath was a resistance to address.
Al saw herself as the outcast, but most people just saw her as difficult. In her eyes she was fine and everybody else was a pain.
I could see that she was actually a person who people easily liked, but she didn’t see it that way.
I wasn’t one of those people who easily liked her. I struggled with her from the beginning.
Luckily I would go into the same space of love as I did with everyone when I tuned into her, but after the reading a slight irritation towards her would return.
I hadn’t seen Al for a long time when she called me mid-December to make an appointment. When she walked in her energy was different from the other times. Something was missing, but I didn’t know what until I tuned into her and saw that she had lost her combativeness.
I told her and she sighed. She told me that she felt down in a way she had never felt before. “Why do you think this is?” I asked her.
“I have no idea” she answered. “I have been promoted at work, which means I am now dealing with the execution of maintenance of public areas. It is a job with a lot of variation and I am working closely with the teams in the field, which I love”.
“I am still playing music, I’m still together with Rose, and I am still having a good social life”, she added. “Not much has changed, all is well”. Another sigh.
I tried to articulate her feelings for her, so I said: “it feels as if you had a big realization and this insight has pulled the rug from under your feet. The problem here is that you have no idea what to do with it, so the issue stays hidden in your subconsciousness.
As it was the second week of December, I asked her if she was sure she wasn’t contaminated by the Christmas energy. As this is one of my pet peeves, I didn’t wait for an answer but told her how hard it was for me to handle the pre-Christmas energy.
Our Christmas is always stress-free and the period before is always quiet work-wise, but still I am completely exhausted by the time the 25th of December arrives. Flattened by the air being filled with a combination of stress, anxiety, excitement and heartbreak”.
Al looked at me incredulously. “Really?” she said. “That is terrible. I would be so peeved off if other people’s energy could influence me like that”.
“You’d go looking for those responsible and sue them” I responded.
“Probably”, Al said, not really appreciating being mocked.
“In our family Christmas is a big thing”, Al told me. “We are not an overly close family, but at Christmas my two aunties come down with their families from Karratha and they rent a beach house where we celebrate Christmas. This year is no exception.
It is pretty stress free and not too committal for us cousins. We all miss out on the odd Christmas celebration and that is fine. “But”, she continued “I have to admit that you could well be right when it comes to being contaminated with the Christmas energy you described, because in a very strange way, I feel heartbroken and I have no clue why. That is why I came to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, but I feel as if there is”.
I smiled at her and said: “It is so beautiful to hear you agree with me in such a harmonious way. For you”.
“Why is that?” Al asked.
“Because to me it feels like everything has to be a battle in your life, and I have often wanted to point out that it is because you are battling an internal battle”.
“Why didn’t you tell me before then?” Al bounced back, showing some of her old fire.
“Because the reading never went there. It is not up to me to know what you are ready to hear and/or work on, but today you are obviously ready for it”.
“Can you explain to me what you mean by me having an internal battle?”
I took my time to formulate the feelings that came through before I said: “let’s say your partner wants a dog. You love dogs, but you love your freedom more, if not you would have kids and a dog. Then one day your partner walks in with a rescued puppy, and that is the end of that. You’ll grow to love the dog, of course, but it is not what you wanted. This is how I see you”.
“You are saying that I am not what I wanted”, Al asked, looking confused. “Why?”
“Maybe we forego the ‘why’ for now, and we have a look at the effect it has on your life instead”, I suggested. “When you are not what you want, there is no acceptance of yourself. When there is no acceptance of yourself, you aren’t able to give yourself what you need. This means you live in disharmony with yourself. The outer world is a mirror of your internal feelings and so there will be disharmony in your outer world too.
This will go unnoticed by you until you are ready to face and overcome this issue. Anything could have triggered the issue to come to the surface, but as it happened it was the collective Christmas pain that did it.”
Al thought for a while, then asked: “according to you, what exactly makes me so sad?”
“To me, the collective Christmas pain feels like a deep loss; often a loss of that which hasn’t happened in our lives. So in your case: what is missing that hurts?”
Al made a half dismissive gesture, as if to show she shouldn’t even mention it, before saying: “Rose and I have been together for almost 4 years. She was only 18 when we got together and I was 24, and at the time I understood she didn’t want to tell her parents about us. She still hasn’t told her parents. She studies and officially shares a room with a fellow student, but she stays at my house 3 or 4 nights a week. I suppose I don’t think about the situation, except at times like this.
She hangs out with me and my family on Boxing Day, but only for a couple of hours, because she can’t justify spending an entire day with a friend of whom her family has hardly ever heard”.
For a moment we were both silent. Al’s pain was so tangible that it hurt my heart. “Are you telling me Rose hasn’t introduced you to her family, not even ‘just’ as a friend?” I asked.
“Well, yes and no. They know who I am, but she purposely wants them to think we are only acquaintances, because, as Rose puts it: “I am so obvious”.
I almost swore, but held back. Instead I said: “far out Al, this feels wrong on so many levels. You are so obviously what? A lesbian? And after 4 years of being in a relationship with you, Rose is so obviously not? There is more to this story, isn’t there? This is not just a matter of fanatically religious parents or something. How about her friends, do they know?”
“Only some of them do. We have made a few friends together and we hang out with my friends. I’ve never been invited to one of her student parties. She says I don’t miss out on much. She reckons I would find them childish.”
“It would be nice if you could be the judge of that” I said, feeling deeply sorry for Al. “Wow Al, please, do something for yourself. The way I feel it, Rose isn’t ready to come out as gay. You can’t push her, because she might leave you.
This is all fair enough, but you need to take care of your feelings too. You and Rose love each other and she is ashamed of this big love. Do you realize how bloody deeply that must hurt you?
And now that you are feeling it, can you think of something you can do to help yourself with your pain?” I asked.
Al thought for a while before she answered: “Rose and I don’t go on holidays much together, and I miss that. During the reading I realised that I always want to be around for Rose. Maybe I feel that if I go away, she’ll change her mind about our relationship”.
I nodded and Al continued: “I love fishing. I used to go on fishing trips with my uncle and my cousin right after Christmas. My cousin has Downs syndrome and the first question he asks me when he sees me is if I’ll come fishing with them. For the last 4 years I have looked into his beautiful hopeful eyes and said ‘no’. This year I will be there again”. Poor Al’s face was distorted with pain.
“It sounds like a plan”, I answered. “I think we should leave it like this for today. You have made a big emotional break through. This reading will continue to do its work without you having to do anything. Self-acceptance and inner harmony are starting to shine through.
I would suggest you talk about your feelings with Rose when it feels right, but without expecting or demanding major changes. You have both accepted this situation until now. Give change time to occur, both inside of you and in your physical world.
Al nodded and sighed again. She looked vulnerable and raw when she said: “I feel like I’ve just survived an earth quake”.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”, I said, looking dreamily at the trees through the window.
An outburst of obscenities from Al’s side followed.
Yeh, I love you too Al……
For example she had a job planning the maintenance of local public spaces. Her planning would often clash with the financial department, who would come back to her with “unfortunately this doesn’t fit our budget”. We once spent a whole hour on the subject.
When she finally accepted that the financial department was not out to sabotage her, and that my plans – and other people’s plans – often die when we look at our ‘financial department’ (=our bank account), she relaxed and looked almost happy.
She had new tools to improve the collaboration between her and the financial people, and she felt empowered.
Five minutes later when talking about whether or not she was happy in her life she said: “I would be if those bastards from the financial department would all blow up in a terrorist attack today”.
Noice!!
Al was also a drummer in a band, and we once spent a whole reading going through the fall outs and irritations that occurred during a tour up north with the band.
To me these situations would have been great opportunities to show her that – according to me – underneath was a resistance to address.
Al saw herself as the outcast, but most people just saw her as difficult. In her eyes she was fine and everybody else was a pain.
I could see that she was actually a person who people easily liked, but she didn’t see it that way.
I wasn’t one of those people who easily liked her. I struggled with her from the beginning.
Luckily I would go into the same space of love as I did with everyone when I tuned into her, but after the reading a slight irritation towards her would return.
I hadn’t seen Al for a long time when she called me mid-December to make an appointment. When she walked in her energy was different from the other times. Something was missing, but I didn’t know what until I tuned into her and saw that she had lost her combativeness.
I told her and she sighed. She told me that she felt down in a way she had never felt before. “Why do you think this is?” I asked her.
“I have no idea” she answered. “I have been promoted at work, which means I am now dealing with the execution of maintenance of public areas. It is a job with a lot of variation and I am working closely with the teams in the field, which I love”.
“I am still playing music, I’m still together with Rose, and I am still having a good social life”, she added. “Not much has changed, all is well”. Another sigh.
I tried to articulate her feelings for her, so I said: “it feels as if you had a big realization and this insight has pulled the rug from under your feet. The problem here is that you have no idea what to do with it, so the issue stays hidden in your subconsciousness.
As it was the second week of December, I asked her if she was sure she wasn’t contaminated by the Christmas energy. As this is one of my pet peeves, I didn’t wait for an answer but told her how hard it was for me to handle the pre-Christmas energy.
Our Christmas is always stress-free and the period before is always quiet work-wise, but still I am completely exhausted by the time the 25th of December arrives. Flattened by the air being filled with a combination of stress, anxiety, excitement and heartbreak”.
Al looked at me incredulously. “Really?” she said. “That is terrible. I would be so peeved off if other people’s energy could influence me like that”.
“You’d go looking for those responsible and sue them” I responded.
“Probably”, Al said, not really appreciating being mocked.
“In our family Christmas is a big thing”, Al told me. “We are not an overly close family, but at Christmas my two aunties come down with their families from Karratha and they rent a beach house where we celebrate Christmas. This year is no exception.
It is pretty stress free and not too committal for us cousins. We all miss out on the odd Christmas celebration and that is fine. “But”, she continued “I have to admit that you could well be right when it comes to being contaminated with the Christmas energy you described, because in a very strange way, I feel heartbroken and I have no clue why. That is why I came to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life, but I feel as if there is”.
I smiled at her and said: “It is so beautiful to hear you agree with me in such a harmonious way. For you”.
“Why is that?” Al asked.
“Because to me it feels like everything has to be a battle in your life, and I have often wanted to point out that it is because you are battling an internal battle”.
“Why didn’t you tell me before then?” Al bounced back, showing some of her old fire.
“Because the reading never went there. It is not up to me to know what you are ready to hear and/or work on, but today you are obviously ready for it”.
“Can you explain to me what you mean by me having an internal battle?”
I took my time to formulate the feelings that came through before I said: “let’s say your partner wants a dog. You love dogs, but you love your freedom more, if not you would have kids and a dog. Then one day your partner walks in with a rescued puppy, and that is the end of that. You’ll grow to love the dog, of course, but it is not what you wanted. This is how I see you”.
“You are saying that I am not what I wanted”, Al asked, looking confused. “Why?”
“Maybe we forego the ‘why’ for now, and we have a look at the effect it has on your life instead”, I suggested. “When you are not what you want, there is no acceptance of yourself. When there is no acceptance of yourself, you aren’t able to give yourself what you need. This means you live in disharmony with yourself. The outer world is a mirror of your internal feelings and so there will be disharmony in your outer world too.
This will go unnoticed by you until you are ready to face and overcome this issue. Anything could have triggered the issue to come to the surface, but as it happened it was the collective Christmas pain that did it.”
Al thought for a while, then asked: “according to you, what exactly makes me so sad?”
“To me, the collective Christmas pain feels like a deep loss; often a loss of that which hasn’t happened in our lives. So in your case: what is missing that hurts?”
Al made a half dismissive gesture, as if to show she shouldn’t even mention it, before saying: “Rose and I have been together for almost 4 years. She was only 18 when we got together and I was 24, and at the time I understood she didn’t want to tell her parents about us. She still hasn’t told her parents. She studies and officially shares a room with a fellow student, but she stays at my house 3 or 4 nights a week. I suppose I don’t think about the situation, except at times like this.
She hangs out with me and my family on Boxing Day, but only for a couple of hours, because she can’t justify spending an entire day with a friend of whom her family has hardly ever heard”.
For a moment we were both silent. Al’s pain was so tangible that it hurt my heart. “Are you telling me Rose hasn’t introduced you to her family, not even ‘just’ as a friend?” I asked.
“Well, yes and no. They know who I am, but she purposely wants them to think we are only acquaintances, because, as Rose puts it: “I am so obvious”.
I almost swore, but held back. Instead I said: “far out Al, this feels wrong on so many levels. You are so obviously what? A lesbian? And after 4 years of being in a relationship with you, Rose is so obviously not? There is more to this story, isn’t there? This is not just a matter of fanatically religious parents or something. How about her friends, do they know?”
“Only some of them do. We have made a few friends together and we hang out with my friends. I’ve never been invited to one of her student parties. She says I don’t miss out on much. She reckons I would find them childish.”
“It would be nice if you could be the judge of that” I said, feeling deeply sorry for Al. “Wow Al, please, do something for yourself. The way I feel it, Rose isn’t ready to come out as gay. You can’t push her, because she might leave you.
This is all fair enough, but you need to take care of your feelings too. You and Rose love each other and she is ashamed of this big love. Do you realize how bloody deeply that must hurt you?
And now that you are feeling it, can you think of something you can do to help yourself with your pain?” I asked.
Al thought for a while before she answered: “Rose and I don’t go on holidays much together, and I miss that. During the reading I realised that I always want to be around for Rose. Maybe I feel that if I go away, she’ll change her mind about our relationship”.
I nodded and Al continued: “I love fishing. I used to go on fishing trips with my uncle and my cousin right after Christmas. My cousin has Downs syndrome and the first question he asks me when he sees me is if I’ll come fishing with them. For the last 4 years I have looked into his beautiful hopeful eyes and said ‘no’. This year I will be there again”. Poor Al’s face was distorted with pain.
“It sounds like a plan”, I answered. “I think we should leave it like this for today. You have made a big emotional break through. This reading will continue to do its work without you having to do anything. Self-acceptance and inner harmony are starting to shine through.
I would suggest you talk about your feelings with Rose when it feels right, but without expecting or demanding major changes. You have both accepted this situation until now. Give change time to occur, both inside of you and in your physical world.
Al nodded and sighed again. She looked vulnerable and raw when she said: “I feel like I’ve just survived an earth quake”.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year”, I said, looking dreamily at the trees through the window.
An outburst of obscenities from Al’s side followed.
Yeh, I love you too Al……