Panic over
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She told me that having been granted this job had been a dream come true. She had been passionate to get her clients back onto the right path. For years she had worked tirelessly and with great enthusiasm with results to match.
Over the last 2 years though, there had been some drastic funding cuts and they had changed matters for the worse.
Before Emma had been able to get results by giving it her all, by working as many hours as she humanly could and as her partner was willing to put up with. Now the only way to describe the job was ‘mopping with the tap open’.
On top of that, Emma had come to the conclusion that the emphasis needed to be on preventing young people from going off the rails, rather than readjusting them after the damage was done.
Without much pause Emma continued to make her plea for prevention over repairing. She threw numbers and scientific evidence at me; referred to articles and theses she had read on the topic, all with great passion.
Halfway through her monologue, I cut her short telling her that I would have a look at the situation for her. “You obviously want to leave your job, but somehow can’t bring yourself to leave?” I half asked, half stated.
Emma fell silent right away and nodded like a kid that had been told off for talking too much. This was the first time of many I smiled out of recognition. I get carried away too. Often!
When I tuned into Emma I could see that she really didn’t have much choice, because she was so frustrated with her job, that she was either going to explode soon – letting all her bottled up grievance out the wrong way before walking out - or she would implode, which would cause damage to her health.
I told her that it surprised me that she needed to hear this from me, because in my eyes she was perfectly in tune with her intuition and she was full of common sense. There had to be a specific reason then why she was scared to make the decision.
Emma opened her mouth to say something, but I have no scruples about ignoring a client’s need to react before I have finished on the subject. To my defence, the information coming through does get stuck in my head if I can’t let it out, each word bumping into the one before them. This becomes a bit stressful when I get interrupted often.
I continued: “You learned from an early age that all decisions needed to be based on rational thinking. You are fortunate, because rational thinking comes naturally to you. However, you can only work with it when it is aligned with your intuition. The moment your rational thinking tries to overrule your intuition – as is the case now, you get stuck.
To put it simply: you were taught to come up with a rational explanation rather than an intuitive one. When your rational explanation is different from your intuitive one, you get scared.
Your rational thinking and intuition are normally great buddies, but in this case they are not. Your intuition is screaming at you to get out, telling you that it is harmful to stay in a place you don’t believe in anymore. It tells you to stop hurting yourself, to stop breaking your own heart, to stop dragging yourself daily to a place that robbed you of your dreams and ideals.
Your common sense comes up with your monthly expenses, demanding to know what your next step is.
But you can’t know your next step yet. You need a break. You need space. This is what I feel. Your financial situation looks okay to me. You are just bullied by your rational thinking, without it you would have given up your job months ago.
Listen to your intuition with an open mind, and you’ll see that in this space intuition and common sense meld together.”
By the end of the reading Emma looked brighter and calmer and we parted after a vague promise from her side to let me know how she went.
Which she didn’t.
Six months later Emma asked for another reading. When I tuned into her I could see a similar knot in her as last time. Like last time it reminded me of a horse scared to jump over a small hurdle. Horses are very capable of jumping if they have to, but they can freak out when they have to go over something unknown, even if they can just step over it.
I could also see that her life had changed scenery in a drastic way. It turned out she had handed in her notice two days(!!!) after the reading, and had managed to find a job in juvenile crime prevention.
I was impressed and wanted to know details of how she had done it, but she was half bored with the topic and didn’t say much. She had moved on! Something else I recognized from myself. I can be making a huge fuss over having to do something, talking about it non-stop, only to move on in the blink of an eye without letting anybody know.
This time she had been asked to create an instruction manual on the topic of youth at risk. She would work with specialists from different fields, but she would be the one responsible for the end result.
Being a social worker who had always worked directly with clients rather than with the theory side, she was afraid she wouldn’t be up to the task. This was an important script that could help boost their funding for years to come.
Again I showed her what her intuition told her versus her common sense, and again she looked much brighter and calmer by the end of the reading.
She’d let me know how she went. She didn’t.
During the next reading I learned that the manual had been a success.
So was Emma. I felt honoured to be part of her journey. She went from strength to strength and became a public speaker, writer and a politician.
She would still get into a knot and need a reading occasionally. Over the years I offered to find a more permanent solution for her panic moments. I offered to make a recording so she could walk herself through the process from panic to clarity, and I suggested we look at the issue behind the panic.
The first offer was politely declined, the second was met with a typical Emma warning look, telling me “not to go there”.
Then one day Ken, Emma’s boyfriend of six years, proposed and Emma, practical, strong, warrior Emma, was over the moon in a totally romantic and teary way.
The couple each owned their own house, but Ken’s was bigger and situated in a better neighbourhood. Emma was going to sell her house and buy into Ken’s, and they would be equal owners of his house. Emma loved Ken’s house, Ken loved sharing his house with Emma, what a happy ending!
Until panic set in. After a few sleepless nights and loss of appetite, Emma decided to have a reading.
This time though, I told her we had to look at the cause behind her panic. She understood. The last thing she wanted to do was hurting Ken and maybe ruining their happiness with her need to run.
“Emma”, I told her, “when you were a little girl, you have overruled and ignored your intuition. You did this because at the time in those situations you didn’t have a choice. This is not something you want to talk about and I promise you I will not overstep your boundaries. It won’t get much deeper than this.
I just want you to understand that there is a little girl inside of you who is scared you will ignore her again. She is the part of you that panics. The moment you can reach yourself in that panic, you will be able to hear, feel or see what this fear actually is.”
“How do I do that?” Emma asked me in a tiny voice. I could see how tense her body was and how uncomfortable she felt.
“I don’t think you can at this moment”, I said, “you are too scared about what this part of you will tell you or show you. But you will. Trust me.
Emma just stared at the screen.
“In this situation the little girl in you is scared you will ignore your intuition and she will lose Ken. For her Ken is sweet and soft, but above all, he is safe. She can trust him. This means the world to her.
What she doesn’t understand though, is that when you were little you didn’t overrule your intuition because you wanted to, you did it because you didn’t have a choice. She didn’t have a choice. Now she is stuck in this trauma, not realizing that you are grown up and you do have a choice.
Let’s assume the little girl hears me and realizes you will never overrule or neglect your intuition again. She is safe.
At this moment the panic dissolves and what we have left here is a grown up capable woman who is reluctant to give up her independence. A woman who has no doubt about her love for her man, but who hasn’t always felt safe in life, so she finds it hard to give up her own space. That is all”.
Emma had never done a long silence before, but now she did. When she spoke she talked slow and deliberate. “You know what? I am looking for my panic. I almost want it back. I can’t believe it can be this simple. The panic just went without me having to think anything”.
I nodded. “Just like when you wanted to leave your job. You knew after the reading that you were going to quit. You were fortunate because you could do it. In another situation you might have had to wait half a year or longer. This wouldn’t have been pleasant, but the panic wouldn’t have returned”.
“Yes”, Emma answered, “this happened when I took the decision to write the manual. I was still scared, but I never felt this horrible panic again. Just like I will still be scared of losing my independence, but that doesn’t mean I won’t marry Ken.
“It is one of the main rules I live by”, I answered. “I have some deep desires I don’t have the courage to make happen. My intuition tells me to go for it. I can’t, but I know. I don’t ignore it and I don’t let my mind create stories as to why I am not doing it (this isn’t easy, my mind LOVES coming up with either justifications or accusations of why I shouldn’t or why I should).
I don’t need to know when I will have the courage or how. I have total faith in myself and in the universe. I ask for help from whoever is out there to help.
The main thing is that I have my own back. That I am one. That I have all pieces of me working in harmony, also when I don’t behave or think in the best possible way.
I still know. I am still present, all in one piece.”
“Wow, wow, wow”, Emma said, full of gratitude. “I don’t know what so say, I am so touched and grateful and happy and….”
“Don’t mention it” I said. “I don’t expect an invite, but pictures of the day will be a good reward”.
That was over a year ago. I’m still waiting. She’ll probably have her first anniversary in a couple of months……..
She told me that having been granted this job had been a dream come true. She had been passionate to get her clients back onto the right path. For years she had worked tirelessly and with great enthusiasm with results to match.
Over the last 2 years though, there had been some drastic funding cuts and they had changed matters for the worse.
Before Emma had been able to get results by giving it her all, by working as many hours as she humanly could and as her partner was willing to put up with. Now the only way to describe the job was ‘mopping with the tap open’.
On top of that, Emma had come to the conclusion that the emphasis needed to be on preventing young people from going off the rails, rather than readjusting them after the damage was done.
Without much pause Emma continued to make her plea for prevention over repairing. She threw numbers and scientific evidence at me; referred to articles and theses she had read on the topic, all with great passion.
Halfway through her monologue, I cut her short telling her that I would have a look at the situation for her. “You obviously want to leave your job, but somehow can’t bring yourself to leave?” I half asked, half stated.
Emma fell silent right away and nodded like a kid that had been told off for talking too much. This was the first time of many I smiled out of recognition. I get carried away too. Often!
When I tuned into Emma I could see that she really didn’t have much choice, because she was so frustrated with her job, that she was either going to explode soon – letting all her bottled up grievance out the wrong way before walking out - or she would implode, which would cause damage to her health.
I told her that it surprised me that she needed to hear this from me, because in my eyes she was perfectly in tune with her intuition and she was full of common sense. There had to be a specific reason then why she was scared to make the decision.
Emma opened her mouth to say something, but I have no scruples about ignoring a client’s need to react before I have finished on the subject. To my defence, the information coming through does get stuck in my head if I can’t let it out, each word bumping into the one before them. This becomes a bit stressful when I get interrupted often.
I continued: “You learned from an early age that all decisions needed to be based on rational thinking. You are fortunate, because rational thinking comes naturally to you. However, you can only work with it when it is aligned with your intuition. The moment your rational thinking tries to overrule your intuition – as is the case now, you get stuck.
To put it simply: you were taught to come up with a rational explanation rather than an intuitive one. When your rational explanation is different from your intuitive one, you get scared.
Your rational thinking and intuition are normally great buddies, but in this case they are not. Your intuition is screaming at you to get out, telling you that it is harmful to stay in a place you don’t believe in anymore. It tells you to stop hurting yourself, to stop breaking your own heart, to stop dragging yourself daily to a place that robbed you of your dreams and ideals.
Your common sense comes up with your monthly expenses, demanding to know what your next step is.
But you can’t know your next step yet. You need a break. You need space. This is what I feel. Your financial situation looks okay to me. You are just bullied by your rational thinking, without it you would have given up your job months ago.
Listen to your intuition with an open mind, and you’ll see that in this space intuition and common sense meld together.”
By the end of the reading Emma looked brighter and calmer and we parted after a vague promise from her side to let me know how she went.
Which she didn’t.
Six months later Emma asked for another reading. When I tuned into her I could see a similar knot in her as last time. Like last time it reminded me of a horse scared to jump over a small hurdle. Horses are very capable of jumping if they have to, but they can freak out when they have to go over something unknown, even if they can just step over it.
I could also see that her life had changed scenery in a drastic way. It turned out she had handed in her notice two days(!!!) after the reading, and had managed to find a job in juvenile crime prevention.
I was impressed and wanted to know details of how she had done it, but she was half bored with the topic and didn’t say much. She had moved on! Something else I recognized from myself. I can be making a huge fuss over having to do something, talking about it non-stop, only to move on in the blink of an eye without letting anybody know.
This time she had been asked to create an instruction manual on the topic of youth at risk. She would work with specialists from different fields, but she would be the one responsible for the end result.
Being a social worker who had always worked directly with clients rather than with the theory side, she was afraid she wouldn’t be up to the task. This was an important script that could help boost their funding for years to come.
Again I showed her what her intuition told her versus her common sense, and again she looked much brighter and calmer by the end of the reading.
She’d let me know how she went. She didn’t.
During the next reading I learned that the manual had been a success.
So was Emma. I felt honoured to be part of her journey. She went from strength to strength and became a public speaker, writer and a politician.
She would still get into a knot and need a reading occasionally. Over the years I offered to find a more permanent solution for her panic moments. I offered to make a recording so she could walk herself through the process from panic to clarity, and I suggested we look at the issue behind the panic.
The first offer was politely declined, the second was met with a typical Emma warning look, telling me “not to go there”.
Then one day Ken, Emma’s boyfriend of six years, proposed and Emma, practical, strong, warrior Emma, was over the moon in a totally romantic and teary way.
The couple each owned their own house, but Ken’s was bigger and situated in a better neighbourhood. Emma was going to sell her house and buy into Ken’s, and they would be equal owners of his house. Emma loved Ken’s house, Ken loved sharing his house with Emma, what a happy ending!
Until panic set in. After a few sleepless nights and loss of appetite, Emma decided to have a reading.
This time though, I told her we had to look at the cause behind her panic. She understood. The last thing she wanted to do was hurting Ken and maybe ruining their happiness with her need to run.
“Emma”, I told her, “when you were a little girl, you have overruled and ignored your intuition. You did this because at the time in those situations you didn’t have a choice. This is not something you want to talk about and I promise you I will not overstep your boundaries. It won’t get much deeper than this.
I just want you to understand that there is a little girl inside of you who is scared you will ignore her again. She is the part of you that panics. The moment you can reach yourself in that panic, you will be able to hear, feel or see what this fear actually is.”
“How do I do that?” Emma asked me in a tiny voice. I could see how tense her body was and how uncomfortable she felt.
“I don’t think you can at this moment”, I said, “you are too scared about what this part of you will tell you or show you. But you will. Trust me.
Emma just stared at the screen.
“In this situation the little girl in you is scared you will ignore your intuition and she will lose Ken. For her Ken is sweet and soft, but above all, he is safe. She can trust him. This means the world to her.
What she doesn’t understand though, is that when you were little you didn’t overrule your intuition because you wanted to, you did it because you didn’t have a choice. She didn’t have a choice. Now she is stuck in this trauma, not realizing that you are grown up and you do have a choice.
Let’s assume the little girl hears me and realizes you will never overrule or neglect your intuition again. She is safe.
At this moment the panic dissolves and what we have left here is a grown up capable woman who is reluctant to give up her independence. A woman who has no doubt about her love for her man, but who hasn’t always felt safe in life, so she finds it hard to give up her own space. That is all”.
Emma had never done a long silence before, but now she did. When she spoke she talked slow and deliberate. “You know what? I am looking for my panic. I almost want it back. I can’t believe it can be this simple. The panic just went without me having to think anything”.
I nodded. “Just like when you wanted to leave your job. You knew after the reading that you were going to quit. You were fortunate because you could do it. In another situation you might have had to wait half a year or longer. This wouldn’t have been pleasant, but the panic wouldn’t have returned”.
“Yes”, Emma answered, “this happened when I took the decision to write the manual. I was still scared, but I never felt this horrible panic again. Just like I will still be scared of losing my independence, but that doesn’t mean I won’t marry Ken.
“It is one of the main rules I live by”, I answered. “I have some deep desires I don’t have the courage to make happen. My intuition tells me to go for it. I can’t, but I know. I don’t ignore it and I don’t let my mind create stories as to why I am not doing it (this isn’t easy, my mind LOVES coming up with either justifications or accusations of why I shouldn’t or why I should).
I don’t need to know when I will have the courage or how. I have total faith in myself and in the universe. I ask for help from whoever is out there to help.
The main thing is that I have my own back. That I am one. That I have all pieces of me working in harmony, also when I don’t behave or think in the best possible way.
I still know. I am still present, all in one piece.”
“Wow, wow, wow”, Emma said, full of gratitude. “I don’t know what so say, I am so touched and grateful and happy and….”
“Don’t mention it” I said. “I don’t expect an invite, but pictures of the day will be a good reward”.
That was over a year ago. I’m still waiting. She’ll probably have her first anniversary in a couple of months……..