I am not important
One of the first things I saw when I tuned into Gale, was that she was here to learn to make life about her. Her biggest challenge was that she would be dragged along by other peoples’ dramas and circumstances.
And that is exactly what happened in the following years. No sooner did she settle professionally in Perth than her father – who lived in the country – became ill. She did about 18 months of commuting back and forth before he died. Then their house in the country was badly damaged by a storm, and Al ended up fighting their insurance company, who refused to pay.
In those years Gale had about 6 readings with me. Although her problems seemed different from the outside, the underlying issue was the same every time. She always ended up losing herself in a situation. The following is one of those situations that came up during the first reading:
Angie’s baby went to day care 3 mornings a week, and Angie made a real effort to pick the infant up on time. Except on Fridays. After the mother dropped the baby off, she sometimes disappeared and a few times Gale had received a call from a day care staff member with a request to come and collect the baby. This really threw Gale, which is understandable.
She reckoned that she was scared to book afternoon appointments on the days the baby was in day care, in case she had to pick the baby up, and to keep him for the rest of the afternoon.
I told her that, because she wasn’t busy yet, it wasn’t that big of an issue to keep Friday afternoon free of clients. No drama about the other days, as - so far - Angie had always shown up in time. Four and a half days was enough to fill in the clients Gale had.
But then Gayle would say that she didn’t want to have the baby around Al on Friday nights, because he would go for a couple of drinks with his work mates on Friday, and she didn’t want him to cuddle the baby smelling of beer and smoke on return home.
I insisted that the situation didn’t look dramatic to me: Angie was doing quite well except for the odd Friday afternoon, and Gale could make a compromise with Al that he would have a shower and brush his teeth before getting close to his grandson on Friday nights. On Saturday, when father and daughter were back on track, she could have the day all for herself, and maybe book some clients (in my experience people are most grateful for weekend appointments).
I told her that instead of only losing her Friday afternoon, she was now losing every day of the week thinking how unfair it was that she had to be the responsible one. - Over the years I learned that this was her mantra. The “thinking about how unfair it was that she ……” stayed the same in every situation, we only had to fill in the dots for the different circumstances. -
I explained to her that the real problem was that she took herself out of the picture. Her mind would go on and on about what others did wrong, but it didn’t come up to her to take a deep breath, find a solution, take action and put some strong boundaries.
It wasn’t that Gale was incapable of doing this. As an herbalist she had specialized in women’s issues, and she had been the life-line to many women, to the point where she had been talking about writing a menopause manual for her clients.
She wasn’t just amazing with her herbs: her knowledge of health in general was phenomenal. Her clients loved her and looked up to her. Still, when it came to dealing with situations in her family, she lost herself in a teacup.
After the readings she would always stand tall and look like a weight had fallen off her. With every reading we had, she returned faster into her own power; she became less nervous to speak up, and she was generally less anxious.
I hadn’t heard from Gale for over two years, when she called me for a phone reading. I knew she had moved back to the country and was living in her old (and finally repaired) house again, but that was all.
As always I started the reading by tuning into her, and this time I was shocked to see that she had turned backwards. She felt weak, and the thoughts in her head were in overdrive, just like the first time we had a reading.
I asked her why she was like this, suspecting that another disaster had rocked her life (she had been through some really difficult situations in the years I’d read her, much more than I described here), and she told me that she didn’t think she could put up with Al’s drinking anymore. She felt she couldn’t continue to work restoring people back to health, while living with a man who couldn’t care less about his health.
When I tuned into the situation between Gale and Al though, I couldn’t feel any energy around the subject. What I saw instead, was that something beautiful had happened to Gale, like a real awakening. This had somehow thrown her off balance, to the point that she now was in the opposite state: which was chaos!
Gale told me she had been to a retreat with her spiritual teacher, and on the 3rd day everything had fallen still inside of her. In this peaceful state, she had a vision of her Menopause-Manual finished, cover and all!
Then, on her return home, the difference between the energy in the retreat and life at home had been too big, and she knew the time had come to put an ultimatum to Al: either the beer went, or Gale went.
For a moment I was speechless: “so you are telling me that you experienced a complete still mind, in which you saw that your book was ready to be written, and although you understood the message, you chose to go home and start a war?
I am sorry Gale, but you don’t feel like a long-suffering wife who finally snapped, you look like a woman who doesn’t want to stay in the state of mind (or non-mind) created in the retreat.
It was all too beautiful for you, and so you created this mess.”
(I will pass over all the ‘yes, buts’ that Gale threw my way, and go straight to the end of her protest)
Gale: ‘why would I do that?’
Me: “Because you don’t believe that you are important” I told her. “I get an image of your parents and siblings interacting with each other in a lively matter, and you sitting in a corner without being part of it”.
At that point Gale’s compulsive thinking about having to leave Al, stopped. I could feel the shift happen (this is my favourite moment in a reading!). She was quiet for a long time, and then said:
“I come from a strong, healthy and active family. I was a small and weak baby from birth, and I was often ill during my childhood. I also was the only one in my family who had to wear glasses. My parents weren’t rich, and they couldn’t afford me getting ill or breaking my glasses, so I was told I couldn’t participate in activities. This became such a habit, that they often just turned around and said ‘not you’ to me before I even asked, when my brothers and sisters went for outdoor activities such as swimming and cycling.
They never meant to make me feel as if I didn’t matter, but they did… (There was a silence here, in which I could see her mind opening to the subject) …to the point where now I panic when I have to make myself matter.
There was a long silence again, before she continued: “I am scared of writing that manual. I am scared of making myself important”.
I suggested seeing the writing of the manual as a therapy. This way she could meet her fears and work through them, while doing what she really wanted to do.
When we ended the reading, Gale was excited, scared and full of plans for the future.
This was about 12 months ago, and Gale hasn’t been for a reading since. She did sent me a long email with an update though, telling me how her life has improved in unexpected ways since the last reading.
She has stopped being on everybody’s wait and call, which has turned her into a much more relaxed person.
She stopped cooking for Al on Fridays, and she stopped caring how late he came home. She turned the spare room into her room, in which she writes and sleeps if she feels like being on her own.
She has made writing part of her daily routine, and even though her book is far from finished, she has committed to sending her clients monthly newsletters with health updates. From day one those newsletters have been readily received by a growing audience.
She feels she is back on track with Al too: the biggest problem between them had always been that Al liked hanging out with his drinking buddies during the weekend, instead of being with Gale. One day she created a romantic happy hour for the two of them in their backyard, with lots of delicious finger food, and this has become a weekly tradition. Sometimes they invite friends, sometimes it is just them. Afterwards Al retires to his shed, while Gale cooks them a light meal. In Gale’s words: “Al is making a real effort to drink less, and I have chosen self-love and setting boundaries over nagging”.
I am of course happy for Gale, however…….either the psychic or the cynic in me suspects that Al has a hidden fridge in his shed…….
And that is exactly what happened in the following years. No sooner did she settle professionally in Perth than her father – who lived in the country – became ill. She did about 18 months of commuting back and forth before he died. Then their house in the country was badly damaged by a storm, and Al ended up fighting their insurance company, who refused to pay.
In those years Gale had about 6 readings with me. Although her problems seemed different from the outside, the underlying issue was the same every time. She always ended up losing herself in a situation. The following is one of those situations that came up during the first reading:
Angie’s baby went to day care 3 mornings a week, and Angie made a real effort to pick the infant up on time. Except on Fridays. After the mother dropped the baby off, she sometimes disappeared and a few times Gale had received a call from a day care staff member with a request to come and collect the baby. This really threw Gale, which is understandable.
She reckoned that she was scared to book afternoon appointments on the days the baby was in day care, in case she had to pick the baby up, and to keep him for the rest of the afternoon.
I told her that, because she wasn’t busy yet, it wasn’t that big of an issue to keep Friday afternoon free of clients. No drama about the other days, as - so far - Angie had always shown up in time. Four and a half days was enough to fill in the clients Gale had.
But then Gayle would say that she didn’t want to have the baby around Al on Friday nights, because he would go for a couple of drinks with his work mates on Friday, and she didn’t want him to cuddle the baby smelling of beer and smoke on return home.
I insisted that the situation didn’t look dramatic to me: Angie was doing quite well except for the odd Friday afternoon, and Gale could make a compromise with Al that he would have a shower and brush his teeth before getting close to his grandson on Friday nights. On Saturday, when father and daughter were back on track, she could have the day all for herself, and maybe book some clients (in my experience people are most grateful for weekend appointments).
I told her that instead of only losing her Friday afternoon, she was now losing every day of the week thinking how unfair it was that she had to be the responsible one. - Over the years I learned that this was her mantra. The “thinking about how unfair it was that she ……” stayed the same in every situation, we only had to fill in the dots for the different circumstances. -
I explained to her that the real problem was that she took herself out of the picture. Her mind would go on and on about what others did wrong, but it didn’t come up to her to take a deep breath, find a solution, take action and put some strong boundaries.
It wasn’t that Gale was incapable of doing this. As an herbalist she had specialized in women’s issues, and she had been the life-line to many women, to the point where she had been talking about writing a menopause manual for her clients.
She wasn’t just amazing with her herbs: her knowledge of health in general was phenomenal. Her clients loved her and looked up to her. Still, when it came to dealing with situations in her family, she lost herself in a teacup.
After the readings she would always stand tall and look like a weight had fallen off her. With every reading we had, she returned faster into her own power; she became less nervous to speak up, and she was generally less anxious.
I hadn’t heard from Gale for over two years, when she called me for a phone reading. I knew she had moved back to the country and was living in her old (and finally repaired) house again, but that was all.
As always I started the reading by tuning into her, and this time I was shocked to see that she had turned backwards. She felt weak, and the thoughts in her head were in overdrive, just like the first time we had a reading.
I asked her why she was like this, suspecting that another disaster had rocked her life (she had been through some really difficult situations in the years I’d read her, much more than I described here), and she told me that she didn’t think she could put up with Al’s drinking anymore. She felt she couldn’t continue to work restoring people back to health, while living with a man who couldn’t care less about his health.
When I tuned into the situation between Gale and Al though, I couldn’t feel any energy around the subject. What I saw instead, was that something beautiful had happened to Gale, like a real awakening. This had somehow thrown her off balance, to the point that she now was in the opposite state: which was chaos!
Gale told me she had been to a retreat with her spiritual teacher, and on the 3rd day everything had fallen still inside of her. In this peaceful state, she had a vision of her Menopause-Manual finished, cover and all!
Then, on her return home, the difference between the energy in the retreat and life at home had been too big, and she knew the time had come to put an ultimatum to Al: either the beer went, or Gale went.
For a moment I was speechless: “so you are telling me that you experienced a complete still mind, in which you saw that your book was ready to be written, and although you understood the message, you chose to go home and start a war?
I am sorry Gale, but you don’t feel like a long-suffering wife who finally snapped, you look like a woman who doesn’t want to stay in the state of mind (or non-mind) created in the retreat.
It was all too beautiful for you, and so you created this mess.”
(I will pass over all the ‘yes, buts’ that Gale threw my way, and go straight to the end of her protest)
Gale: ‘why would I do that?’
Me: “Because you don’t believe that you are important” I told her. “I get an image of your parents and siblings interacting with each other in a lively matter, and you sitting in a corner without being part of it”.
At that point Gale’s compulsive thinking about having to leave Al, stopped. I could feel the shift happen (this is my favourite moment in a reading!). She was quiet for a long time, and then said:
“I come from a strong, healthy and active family. I was a small and weak baby from birth, and I was often ill during my childhood. I also was the only one in my family who had to wear glasses. My parents weren’t rich, and they couldn’t afford me getting ill or breaking my glasses, so I was told I couldn’t participate in activities. This became such a habit, that they often just turned around and said ‘not you’ to me before I even asked, when my brothers and sisters went for outdoor activities such as swimming and cycling.
They never meant to make me feel as if I didn’t matter, but they did… (There was a silence here, in which I could see her mind opening to the subject) …to the point where now I panic when I have to make myself matter.
There was a long silence again, before she continued: “I am scared of writing that manual. I am scared of making myself important”.
I suggested seeing the writing of the manual as a therapy. This way she could meet her fears and work through them, while doing what she really wanted to do.
When we ended the reading, Gale was excited, scared and full of plans for the future.
This was about 12 months ago, and Gale hasn’t been for a reading since. She did sent me a long email with an update though, telling me how her life has improved in unexpected ways since the last reading.
She has stopped being on everybody’s wait and call, which has turned her into a much more relaxed person.
She stopped cooking for Al on Fridays, and she stopped caring how late he came home. She turned the spare room into her room, in which she writes and sleeps if she feels like being on her own.
She has made writing part of her daily routine, and even though her book is far from finished, she has committed to sending her clients monthly newsletters with health updates. From day one those newsletters have been readily received by a growing audience.
She feels she is back on track with Al too: the biggest problem between them had always been that Al liked hanging out with his drinking buddies during the weekend, instead of being with Gale. One day she created a romantic happy hour for the two of them in their backyard, with lots of delicious finger food, and this has become a weekly tradition. Sometimes they invite friends, sometimes it is just them. Afterwards Al retires to his shed, while Gale cooks them a light meal. In Gale’s words: “Al is making a real effort to drink less, and I have chosen self-love and setting boundaries over nagging”.
I am of course happy for Gale, however…….either the psychic or the cynic in me suspects that Al has a hidden fridge in his shed…….