getting off the main road
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I feel strongly that his life is about staying true to himself. He can’t be pushed in a certain direction. Vast and timeless like the ocean, he needs to do things in his own way and in his own time.
He is an original thinker, someone who can be as mainstream as it gets, but only if it is genuine.
I see his life path as a map of a national park, and John as a hiker who has been walking on the main road for too long. It looks like the time has come to get off the road and to go on a loop walk.
John is very fortunate in the sense that he has an open and trustworthy appearance. His genuine like for people and life in general make people and life like him straight back.
I told him that being easy going came naturally to him, which was a great gift, but it could also be dangerous. When you identify with being an easy going mainstream person – which I thought he had – you could easily become confused when it is time for a loop walk.
John nodded to show me he understood and told me that two things had happened in his life, the first being the death of his father the previous year.
He continued to tell me that when he and his brothers were little, their father had travelled a lot for his work, so they didn’t see him often. Then, when John was 7, his mother had owned up to her husband about having had an affair, and his Dad had moved out.
Years later his mother had told John: “after I told your father, he cried for ages, head in his hands. He then blew his nose and packed his bags. I begged him to give me another chance, but he said he would never be able to trust me again”.
It wasn’t until 7 years later, when John’s youngest brother declared that all he wanted for his birthday was for his father to come to his party that his father stepped back into the family home. Within a couple of months his parents reunited and they stayed together until his father died.
“The thing is” John continued, “that I feel that I didn’t really know my father. And that I didn’t know myself either in relationship to my father. It came as a surprise to me to discover I had resentment towards him about walking out on us. I understand my mother had hurt his feelings, but didn’t he think of his responsibility towards us?”
“The second thing happened four months ago: I am working on a big project producing digital systems for rosters, and I was asked to assist the people who will be working with them.
I ended up spending almost 3 weeks working together with the team, and I was surprised at the change in me. We only encountered minor problems, and I found that I was able to switch off after work and enjoy my night.
This made me realise that when I started my career, working myself up the ladder had been exciting and fun. I dreamt of being where I am now, but the reality is much harder than I thought it would be. I find that my job is never really done, and that my mind is often still with my job, even when I’m home.
This way I am not enjoying my children, and I am growing old before my time.
In the midst of this, Joanne asked me what I thought of having a third child! I almost panicked, and that is when I told her about my worries. She suggested that maybe I am having a mid-life crisis, and that it is all related to my father’s death. She also said you would be able to help”.
John looked at me expectantly, and I reassured him that the situation looked straight forward to me, and that his issue was one that I encountered regularly in different shapes and forms.
I told him that I grew up in the Netherlands in the sixties, and that World War 2 had only ended 15 years before I was born. The Netherlands had been occupied by the Germans for 5 years, and after the war hardly anybody had any possessions and/or money left. Everybody had to start from scratch and women were supposed to stay at home after getting married, to give men a fair chance on a job.
I grew up in an environment where people lived from pay check to pay check, and where everybody knew where everybody stood on the poor-rich scale.
I have heard a lot of talk about lack of money while growing up, but never did I hear about people not having time.
Nowadays it is not so clear how much money people have. Your car, house and swimming pool might be a loan, a triple mortgage; you might be rich until your job in the mine finishes and you have to start working locally.
How much time we have though is, like money in my childhood environment, crystal clear. To me it feels that success is measured by how little time we have. Having time is for losers. The winners are so busy they have to manage all their time, including their ‘quality time’ with the kids and their ‘chill out’ time with friends.
And you are part of this. So far you have used your time well. You found yourself a great partner, you made career and produced beautiful children.
That this came with a price didn’t become clear until your father died. It was only natural that you felt abandoned and let down by your father when he left. You and your brothers had to grow up fast and take over the role of the man in the house. Once your father passed, you started thinking about the past again, and this brought up old feelings about him not being there.
Then, when you felt what a difference it made to temporarily have a less stressful job, you discovered that in your own way, you weren’t really present for your children either.
John, you might have done everything ‘right’ so far, but it was always in your life path to stay true to yourself no matter what. At this moment being true to yourself means taking a step back, and the only reason why it confuses you, is because it is ‘not done’. To stop using your time in the most efficient way is not done.
John had been with me until the last two sentences, but there was no way I could convince him that the problem lay with him.
“What if his company wouldn’t agree with him (temporarily) downgrading, and even if they did, would it influence his career long term? And Joanne? Would she be disappointed in him? Would she live with resentment if they couldn’t afford another baby?”
I told him that all of these were hypotheses, not problems.
Admitting to himself that he didn’t have a problem, was tough. The shift in energy finally came when I asked him what exactly it was that he wanted to do differently from his father. What was the quality that he wanted to give to his children that he would have wanted from his father?
“I want them to feel important” John said. “My father going away because he was hurt by my mother’s affair, made me feel that we, his children, were not worth staying for. That is what hurt me”.
I nodded and asked: “What if your brother would tell you what you just told me, what would you advise him?”
John thought about it for a moment, which lost him the opportunity to say something, and I continued:
“Wouldn’t you tell him that what he feels is normal and acceptable? Wouldn’t you encourage him to do what his heart tells him to do? To not be scared, because this might just be a stage in his life in which he needs to reset his priorities, in order not to lose himself? That in a couple of years he might be ready for new challenges and/or another child?”
Would you be summing up everything that could possibly prove an obstacle, or would you help by coming up with possible solutions that would make both him and his wife happy?”
John nodded and sighed. “It is true that I think I should be the provider who is always looking for ways to provide more, not less! I feel almost embarrassed towards Joanne, as if I am letting her down, and the fact that she looked so worried when I spoke about my feelings, didn’t help”.
“I am sure this isn’t the first time your wife needs to get used to an idea of yours, and quite likely you haven’t always been ready for hers either” I told him. “Couples can’t always have the same ideas simultaneously. Things will go much better when you stop feeling guilty”.
John gave me a half smile and said: “When you asked me what I’d say to my brother if he were in my position, my first thought was: “What does your wife think of all this? That should have given me an indication”.
“Well,” I said, “first step will be a good conversation with the Missus then. Are you ready?”
“I am”, John answered. “This is much more about me than about Joanne. This is about who I think I should be”.
We parted with a friendly hug, after me reassuring him that Joanne would be fine with his plans.
I didn’t hear from Joanne and John until Joanne came for a reading two years later. She told me that John’s company hadn’t been able to provide John with less responsibility or hours, but that they had offered him to work from home 2 days a week instead.
“On those days John is able to do the morning and afternoon run with the children, which has given him the involvement in their lives he wanted”
“Good to hear!” I said.
We also had another baby last year”, she added.
“Ha”, I said. “Good news all around then. I knew it would be easy to resolve the situation”.
“I’m not too sure about that”, Joanne said doubtfully, “he is talking about wanting to become a stay-at-home Dad now. And before you say anything: No, I don’t want him to have another reading”.
“Oh well…..”
I feel strongly that his life is about staying true to himself. He can’t be pushed in a certain direction. Vast and timeless like the ocean, he needs to do things in his own way and in his own time.
He is an original thinker, someone who can be as mainstream as it gets, but only if it is genuine.
I see his life path as a map of a national park, and John as a hiker who has been walking on the main road for too long. It looks like the time has come to get off the road and to go on a loop walk.
John is very fortunate in the sense that he has an open and trustworthy appearance. His genuine like for people and life in general make people and life like him straight back.
I told him that being easy going came naturally to him, which was a great gift, but it could also be dangerous. When you identify with being an easy going mainstream person – which I thought he had – you could easily become confused when it is time for a loop walk.
John nodded to show me he understood and told me that two things had happened in his life, the first being the death of his father the previous year.
He continued to tell me that when he and his brothers were little, their father had travelled a lot for his work, so they didn’t see him often. Then, when John was 7, his mother had owned up to her husband about having had an affair, and his Dad had moved out.
Years later his mother had told John: “after I told your father, he cried for ages, head in his hands. He then blew his nose and packed his bags. I begged him to give me another chance, but he said he would never be able to trust me again”.
It wasn’t until 7 years later, when John’s youngest brother declared that all he wanted for his birthday was for his father to come to his party that his father stepped back into the family home. Within a couple of months his parents reunited and they stayed together until his father died.
“The thing is” John continued, “that I feel that I didn’t really know my father. And that I didn’t know myself either in relationship to my father. It came as a surprise to me to discover I had resentment towards him about walking out on us. I understand my mother had hurt his feelings, but didn’t he think of his responsibility towards us?”
“The second thing happened four months ago: I am working on a big project producing digital systems for rosters, and I was asked to assist the people who will be working with them.
I ended up spending almost 3 weeks working together with the team, and I was surprised at the change in me. We only encountered minor problems, and I found that I was able to switch off after work and enjoy my night.
This made me realise that when I started my career, working myself up the ladder had been exciting and fun. I dreamt of being where I am now, but the reality is much harder than I thought it would be. I find that my job is never really done, and that my mind is often still with my job, even when I’m home.
This way I am not enjoying my children, and I am growing old before my time.
In the midst of this, Joanne asked me what I thought of having a third child! I almost panicked, and that is when I told her about my worries. She suggested that maybe I am having a mid-life crisis, and that it is all related to my father’s death. She also said you would be able to help”.
John looked at me expectantly, and I reassured him that the situation looked straight forward to me, and that his issue was one that I encountered regularly in different shapes and forms.
I told him that I grew up in the Netherlands in the sixties, and that World War 2 had only ended 15 years before I was born. The Netherlands had been occupied by the Germans for 5 years, and after the war hardly anybody had any possessions and/or money left. Everybody had to start from scratch and women were supposed to stay at home after getting married, to give men a fair chance on a job.
I grew up in an environment where people lived from pay check to pay check, and where everybody knew where everybody stood on the poor-rich scale.
I have heard a lot of talk about lack of money while growing up, but never did I hear about people not having time.
Nowadays it is not so clear how much money people have. Your car, house and swimming pool might be a loan, a triple mortgage; you might be rich until your job in the mine finishes and you have to start working locally.
How much time we have though is, like money in my childhood environment, crystal clear. To me it feels that success is measured by how little time we have. Having time is for losers. The winners are so busy they have to manage all their time, including their ‘quality time’ with the kids and their ‘chill out’ time with friends.
And you are part of this. So far you have used your time well. You found yourself a great partner, you made career and produced beautiful children.
That this came with a price didn’t become clear until your father died. It was only natural that you felt abandoned and let down by your father when he left. You and your brothers had to grow up fast and take over the role of the man in the house. Once your father passed, you started thinking about the past again, and this brought up old feelings about him not being there.
Then, when you felt what a difference it made to temporarily have a less stressful job, you discovered that in your own way, you weren’t really present for your children either.
John, you might have done everything ‘right’ so far, but it was always in your life path to stay true to yourself no matter what. At this moment being true to yourself means taking a step back, and the only reason why it confuses you, is because it is ‘not done’. To stop using your time in the most efficient way is not done.
John had been with me until the last two sentences, but there was no way I could convince him that the problem lay with him.
“What if his company wouldn’t agree with him (temporarily) downgrading, and even if they did, would it influence his career long term? And Joanne? Would she be disappointed in him? Would she live with resentment if they couldn’t afford another baby?”
I told him that all of these were hypotheses, not problems.
Admitting to himself that he didn’t have a problem, was tough. The shift in energy finally came when I asked him what exactly it was that he wanted to do differently from his father. What was the quality that he wanted to give to his children that he would have wanted from his father?
“I want them to feel important” John said. “My father going away because he was hurt by my mother’s affair, made me feel that we, his children, were not worth staying for. That is what hurt me”.
I nodded and asked: “What if your brother would tell you what you just told me, what would you advise him?”
John thought about it for a moment, which lost him the opportunity to say something, and I continued:
“Wouldn’t you tell him that what he feels is normal and acceptable? Wouldn’t you encourage him to do what his heart tells him to do? To not be scared, because this might just be a stage in his life in which he needs to reset his priorities, in order not to lose himself? That in a couple of years he might be ready for new challenges and/or another child?”
Would you be summing up everything that could possibly prove an obstacle, or would you help by coming up with possible solutions that would make both him and his wife happy?”
John nodded and sighed. “It is true that I think I should be the provider who is always looking for ways to provide more, not less! I feel almost embarrassed towards Joanne, as if I am letting her down, and the fact that she looked so worried when I spoke about my feelings, didn’t help”.
“I am sure this isn’t the first time your wife needs to get used to an idea of yours, and quite likely you haven’t always been ready for hers either” I told him. “Couples can’t always have the same ideas simultaneously. Things will go much better when you stop feeling guilty”.
John gave me a half smile and said: “When you asked me what I’d say to my brother if he were in my position, my first thought was: “What does your wife think of all this? That should have given me an indication”.
“Well,” I said, “first step will be a good conversation with the Missus then. Are you ready?”
“I am”, John answered. “This is much more about me than about Joanne. This is about who I think I should be”.
We parted with a friendly hug, after me reassuring him that Joanne would be fine with his plans.
I didn’t hear from Joanne and John until Joanne came for a reading two years later. She told me that John’s company hadn’t been able to provide John with less responsibility or hours, but that they had offered him to work from home 2 days a week instead.
“On those days John is able to do the morning and afternoon run with the children, which has given him the involvement in their lives he wanted”
“Good to hear!” I said.
We also had another baby last year”, she added.
“Ha”, I said. “Good news all around then. I knew it would be easy to resolve the situation”.
“I’m not too sure about that”, Joanne said doubtfully, “he is talking about wanting to become a stay-at-home Dad now. And before you say anything: No, I don’t want him to have another reading”.
“Oh well…..”